On Becoming

Perhaps when a person goes to the trouble (mostly time) of becoming a Christian and/or Catholic, it is because one wants in some way to become a better person.

I guess it probably was my motivation, but of course, i didn't think of it that way. Jesus' teachings are often hard and they go against the grain--forgive 70 x 7? We try a bit, fall back into old patterns, and shrug, reminding ourselves that God forgives and will forgive us our failings, even if they are serial in nature.

So we struggle, and if you are even a little like me, you fail a lot more than you succeed. I homily takes you for a couple of hours and then you're back at haranguing the kids or dogs. 

But I have been seduced as it were, into a new way of "becoming a better person", one not dependant upon my own perceptions so much. Insidiously, (for God has certainly acted in an underhanded and deft way with me), I have been led to a particular priest and a particular parish.

I returned to a parish i had already left some years before for a variety of reasons of no real importance now. I was attending another parish, and this priest  (my saint), arrived to beg a bit of money for the poor parish. I was entranced almost from the start of his homily.

His words and his passion were like nothing I had seen in Las Cruces. I had experienced a few really wonderful priests in my time, but few were captivating from the pulpit as it were. I had been led to expect nothing much more, having been "raised" so to speak by nuns whose opinion of priests can be less than stellar. 

"They come and go," the good and the not so good, I was told. 

So, a priest had NEVER been on my list of "must haves" to entice me to a parish. I expected little and was not disturbed when i got little. 

Then along comes my saint. He captivated me with his style,his passion and his clear intelligence. Within a few weeks, I was ignoring the "can't attend there, the mass is at 11 in the morning and I'm a early morning mass goer", and planning to attend. 

I did, and I returned, and returned and returned. Finally for the fourth time or so, i registered. Then i went to confession.  I won't disclose that experience, but just say it was gentle and kind and helpful. I began almost immediately to see what the real point of confession was--real deep heartfelt regret over wrongdoing--not just choosing from the roster of "sins" to put into a rotating file to be used again and again.

And I ran into my saint the following morning before mass and he hugged me, and asked about m husband. HE REMEMBERED ME. 

That meant so very much. I was seen, I was heard, I was really a part of this community. 

At first his 30-minute + homilies were interesting but too long. Now, a few months later, I never even think of the time, so engrossed do i become in the enthusiasm and passion he exudes each Sunday. 

And when i ponder whether to do "the right thing" or the easy thing, it's his face that comes to mind and how he would feel about it. Not as my saint, I must say, but AS THE PRESENT FACE OF CHRIST BEFORE ME. He has and is my Christ in the flesh, and I want to be the good person he believes I can be. 

So I find myself truly trying to be a better person because God's servant has done his job well. Can I be such to another? I doubt it, but I know now that I will try, because my saint is always before me and I know that Jesus lives vibrantly within him.